You're the Part of Me I Need the Most
by Lyra1
Summary: A response to the HDM challenge.


My response to the HDM Challenge

My response to the HDM Challenge.....

A story of odd paragraphing and screwy words that make no sense if you skim it.

*************************

"What flowers! My, these are gorgeous." Mary buried her nose into the bouquet of color as the glossy bird daemon perched on her shoulder gave an approving chirp.

Will gave a thin smile that didn't soften his intense features. "They just bloomed yesterday. The forest in covered with them."

Mary lifted her head to look at Will. "Are you sure that place is safe? I don't want you coming back with poison ivy."

"I'm sure. And I'll be careful. Don't worry about me, Mary, I'll be okay." Kirjava purred in agreement, and stretched to her full length with her soft fur gently catching the light.

"Whatever you say." Mary the flowers in a vase that she set in the middle of the dining room table. "There. Your mother will be so pleased."

Will only looked at the flowers another moment, then opened the refrigerator and took out the carrots and potatoes. "Stew tonight?"

"Mmm...sounds delicious." Mary licked her lips, then glanced at the clock. "Ooh, five already? I'm going to pick your mother up, and maybe I'll get a few things at the store afterward." 

Will nodded, and brought the vegetables over to the sink. Mary took her purse and left, her daemon fluttering just behind her.

********************

The stew was bubbling nicely over the stove when Will sauntered over to the flowers and chose a rose with a thin stem. He smelled its sweet, feminine fragrance, and his heart skipped a beat. But only a beat. He was learning to get used to it by now, having every little thing remind him of her. Learning how to talk normally about other subjects when it was always her that was on his mind. Learning how to hold back the pain. Will had never been very emotionally expressive, but it had taken a lot of effort to hide what he'd been feeling since that day in the Botanic Garden.

The door swung open with a creak. Here came Mary, holding Elaine's hand in a way that Will had grown used to, with her free hand toting a bag full of groceries. 

"Hi Mum." he said, "We're having stew tonight."

"That's good, dear." said Elaine Parry, looking a little baffled. Then she saw the wildflowers. "Oh!" she said like a delighted child.

"Will picked them, aren't they just beautiful?" Mary asked, putting her keys in her pocket.

"Yes..." Elaine breathed, "yes...they're...beautiful." For a moment, the confusion on her face melted away to happiness, and Will smiled, just looking at her.

"I'll take you to the forest sometime." Will promised, "You'd love it there. The place is simply filled with flowers."

"Thank you." said his mother, looking a bit lost again.

"I picked up some bread." Mary said, pulling a hot loaf from her bag.

"Let's eat." said Will.

********************

Only a few miles away but in another universe, Lyra forced a smile. "It sounds very nice, Ella." 

Ella bounced about on the bed with excitement despite her age, her cat daemon, Curtis, jumping around with her. "Oh, it is, it is! What until you see it!"

Lyra answered only with a tired smile. She couldn't muster up the excitement that Ella seemed to have naturally over a pretty dress. "It's the loveliest shade of mauve, and it has a satin sash in the back, as smooth as cream. And the neckline is scooped and adorned with the tiniest studs of diamond!" Ella had proclaimed. "I can't _wait_ until the dance." 

Lyra nodded again, and gave another wan smile. Pan curled up quietly next to her on the bed on which she was sitting. 

"I really can't understand why you're not going," Ella continued. "That dress you have in your wardrobe, that dark blue one from Dame Hannah, it's simply gorgeous! When are you going to wear it, if not now?" 

Lyra thought of the dress hanging unworn at the back of her wardrobe. It _was_ a lovely thing, a deep shade of blue embellished delicately with black lace, and it would look nice on anyone, even her. She just didn't feel like dressing up for anything or anyone. She never had liked it, and after Will, nothing felt special enough anymore. "I'm just- not in the mood." 

"Oh, but you'll regret it Lyra, you will!" assured Ella. "It will be such fun, really!" 

_I'll probably only be thinking of Will the whole time,_ thought Lyra miserably. "No, Ella, I'm sorry." 

Suddenly, Ella stopped jumping about and look directly in Lyra's green eyes. "Are you in love with someone, Lyra?" she asked seriously. 

Lyra jumped at the mention of the sensitive topic, yet at the same time almost laughed at the soberness of Ella's tone. What could she know of love? But she held back. After all, she wasn't sure if she wanted Ella to know about Will yet. So she carefully questioned, "Why do you ask?" 

"Oh, I don't know," shrugged Ella, some of her ordinary casualness back. "It's just... you seem so distant always, and my brother Kern said that when you're in love, nothing around you seems to matter, the only thing you can think about is that one person. And that one person makes up your whole world." 

Lyra swallowed hard, and willed the tears threatening to spring from her eyes back with all the strength she could muster. Her chin quivered, and her trembling right hand reached out to clutch a tense Pantalaimon. She mustn't cry, she mustn't cry. 

"Oh! Have I said something wrong, Lyra?" asked Ella worriedly. Curtis fixed his large, concerned eyes on Pan.

Her concern only made Lyra feel worse. She lay down and turned towards the wall so Ella wouldn't see her tears. "No, Ella, nothing. Have fun at your dance. I'm just going to rest a little now."

"Okay," Ella nodded. She had the sense to know that Lyra wanted to be left alone. "I'm going to visit Tenda. Feel better." Lyra heard the door click closed as girl and daemon left the room.

Only then did she let the tears she had held back for weeks and weeks flow. Pan climbed to her breast and she held him tight. "Will, Will," she murmured as her pillow became wet with tears. 

"Shhh," Pan whispered comfortingly, his warm form pressed up against her.

Lyra closed her eyes. Sometimes, she just wanted to get rid of that lost, empty feeling that never seemed to leave her stomach. Maybe if she didn't have that desperate feeling, she could move on with her life. But other times, that feeling was all she could hold on to, the only thing she had left of him. Sometimes that feeling was the most precious thing in the world. "I'm so confused." she said sadly, looking down at Pan.

Pan cuddled closer to her. "We all are," he said thoughtfully. "Just some more than others."

Lyra sighed, her tears drying and replaced by that constant ache. "You don't think he's- forgotten?"

"Don't be ridiculous, how could he have?" Pan answered.

"I don't know. I can't keep second-guessing myself. I just keep getting this picture in my mind of Will in the grove of gold and silver trees, except..." Lyra trailed off.

"Except-?" Pan wanted to know.

"Except he's...dancing with someone...and it's...not me." 

"Lyra," Pan said, his tone showing just how much he accepted the idea. 

"I know, I know." Lyra agreed, sighing deeply again. She closed her eyes once more and tried to clear her mind. And just before drifting off, she saw a clear picture of Will, dancing in the magical grove among the gold and silver trees, in the arms of someone else. 

************* 

"Now, class," Will's teacher, Mrs. Ripple, smiled and said in a high, perky voice. "Tell me again, what do we do before cooking?" 

The class chorused in dull unison, "Wash our hands, Mrs. Ripple." 

"Good!" She gave another crimson beam and nodded for them to begin. 

Will rinsed his hands, not minding the whispers from the other students who curiously peered at his two missing fingers. Then, he picked up the day's assignment- "Mrs. Ripple's Cheery Cherry Pie". Will lifted an eyebrow and went to work. 

First, he had to get 2 cups of pitted red cherries. He took his measuring cup and went to the big bowl in the middle of the room full of dark cherries. He was going back to his work area with the first cup when he stopped dead, looking at the small, round fruit. A few of his classmates turned to look at him, standing stock still in the middle of the room with a cup of cherries in his hand. 

How long he stood there, he could not tell. He only dimly remembered saying, his voice barely audible, "The little red fruits....in the grove..." and his face breaking, lost in a bittersweet trance. "Lyra," he whispered despairingly, "I miss you so much. Come back, Lyra, please come back." He felt his eyes filling up, and a solitary tear began to trace its way down his cheek. But all he could do was think of was the blue-eyed girl that would never stop haunting him. What wouldn't he give to feel her warm arms around him again? To smell her hair, to hear her laugh, or even her cry? 

Then the moment was shattered with Mrs. Ripple's hand on his shoulder. "Will?" she asked worriedly, "Are you alright?" 

Will blinked and shook himself and looked around. The whole room had gone quiet, every eye staring at him. He brought his hand up to his face and wiped away the tear. "Yes, thank you, Mrs. Ripple. I'm fine." His overly-sweet teacher gave him a young-people-these-days sigh before nodding for him to go back to his work area. 

Will slowly walked back to his counter as the buzz of the room was restored. But he couldn't work. "Mrs. Ripple, may I go to the nurse?" he asked. 

After feigning sickness with a few more people, Will soon found himself meandering along the path, Kirjava at his side, to his sacred forest. He needed to think, and the forest was his place to do that. 

As he entered the sea of tall trees he could see the millions of colors scattering the ground, and smell the heavy perfume all around him. Kirjava purred and lay down. He took off his bag, lay his sweater next to a tree and sat down, head against the rough bark of the towering oak he leaned upon. 

He had collapsed today. At school. In front of all those people. 

It was funny. At school when he heard the whispers of secret crushes or "devastating" break-ups, he never so much as flinched. But here, today, all he had done was to look at the little red fruit...and that had done it. That had crushed him. 

But was it really so bad? They wouldn't understand, no, never would they understand, but maybe it would give them just a little clue as to how much he had suffered, how much he was going through and how no matter how hard he tried, he had to go through life missing a part of himself. Maybe it would help them respect him. 

Or they could laugh. They could laugh and say, "Oh, Will, that quiet one with the missing fingers, that one who never smiles, he _cried_ today, in front of the whole class, just by looking at a cup of cherries." Yes, that's what they would do. He could almost hear their cold snickers echoing through his head. 

No, don't think of that. Think of something really good, something special. 

Will could only think of one thing that fit that description. So he closed his eyes and replayed scenes that he had replayed a thousand times before. Teaching her how to make an omelette, having her rewrap the bandages on his hand, watching her struggle at her parting with Pan, shielding her against the blows of the harpy... 

...feeling her soft fingers on his lips when she brought the little red fruit to his mouth, the sunlight streaming through the gold and silver trees. 

Will's face was wet with tears. How could this be anything close to the Republic of Heaven? How could he build it and teach others to live it when he himself was so far away from it? 

"Write her." Kirjava's voice came through, somber yet sensible. 

He didn't have to ask what he meant. He pulled out a pencil and a notebook from his bag, preparing to write pages and pages. But to his surprise, he couldn't think of anything to say. 

"I'd always thought that I'd have so much to say, if only I could talk to her one more time," Will said to his daemon, "but I honestly can't think of anything." 

Kirjava only gave him a deep look, then rested her chin on his knee. 

Will looked at the blank page in front of him. What would he say if he could write to Lyra one more time? 

_Lyra,_

_I'm writing to tell you I have nothing to say._

_ Only that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all._

_Do I need to say anything else?_

_You will always be the part of me that I need the most._

_ Will_

Then, Will close his notebook with a lighter heart. Somehow, he knew, Lyra had received his letter. 

************** 

_There he was, dancing again. Who was she? Lyra desperately tried to catch a glimpse of the mysterious girl. They were dancing father away now, faster and faster. Lyra tried to follow them, but they were too quick. They danced away, leaving Lyra alone in the stillness of the grove, helpless and utterly alone._

Lyra woke with a start. Her pillow was soaked again, and Pan was stroking her damp hair. "It's all right." He said. 

Lyra looked over to the other side of the room. Ella had not returned yet, and she could see through her window that dusk had fallen. She lay back down, hugging Pan, kissing him and running her fingers through his thick fur. 

Gradually she fell back asleep. 

And dreamt of Will again. 

_She was in the grove again, but this time there was only Will, no one else. And he had a little red fruit in his hand._

_ She went to him. He lifted the fruit to her mouth, his fingers slightly brushing her lips, but brought his hand down again._

_"How could you doubt me?" he asked, his blue eyes sad._

_ She was speechless. "Will," she finally managed to say, "I'm so sorry. I feel awful...I should never have doubted you..." she was at a loss for words._

_ He was smiling. He had forgiven her. He brought the fruit to her mouth again, and this time he kept his fingers there. The fruit was as sweet as she remembered it to be. Maybe even sweeter._

_ "Here. I wrote you a note." He placed a slip of plain lined notebook paper in her hand, its edges frayed-_

Lyra awoke. She felt Pan next to her, breathing softly in and out, still sleeping. She didn't know what awoke her. 

She only knew that the dream she had just had was incredible. The sunlight had been so golden, the fruit so red and Will, so real. 

Her wave of emotions alerted Pan to wakefulness. "What's that?" he whispered, looking down at her hand. 

She looked. It was a note, written on lined notebook paper, its edges frayed. 


End file.
